We're Not Alone

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Jesus for President

            On a day when 1) our Fed Chairman again delighted the non compos mentis everywhere by insisting that he, Ben the Almighty, and not China, was responsible for rigging U.S. Treasury bond prices to keep interest rates near zero in exchange for maintaining our consumer product manufacturing infrastructure over there, where it’s been during the entire budget crisis, instead of here, where it used to be before we had real unemployment/underemployment somewhere in excess of 30%, adding he’d continue to do so for a couple more years, 2) Mitt Romney’s people had to disclose, along with his tax returns, that the unawife polygamist received “carried interest”, fingering him as a hedge fund manager, not a vulture capitalist as previously spun, and 3) British officials announced that a Romney peer, another prominent U.S. hedge fund manager, got fined 7.2 million pounds for insider trading in London - on a day when all that calamari came down - God help us, it was confirmed that the Mayan Calendar ends the world on December 21, 2012.


            The Post is delighted to announce that we now endorse Jesus Christ as our choice to head the Republican ticket this November.  The Son of God might not be around yet come Election Day, but He’s all we’re going to need that next month, and we’re hoping that this endorsement gives the entire blog staff a leg up on getting into our deserved Gloryland during the ensuing End of Days.


            In a separate statement, that aforementioned unawife polygamist proclaimed he’d made upwards of $150 million all by himself, inheriting none of it.  As our subscribers know full well, there are only two kinds of money on Wall Street, theirs and ours, meaning this hedge fund manager filched his entire bundle from you and me.  We’d call for a Securities and Excuses Commission investigation of every single penny of that $150 million, or whatever, but who cares now?


            As for that other thing, what is starting to look like the unmentionable issue, one wonders why this isn’t the big story here.  Mitt’s great grandfather had 5 wives, and at least one of his great-great grandfathers had 12.  Some Romney female from those days is on record as shedding “tears of sorrow” over her father’s multiple marriages.  When do the talking airheads sate our curiosity over what seems to be more than a tad bizarre in a Presidential candidate’s background?   Surely there are relatives to stalk.

Donkey Run

            Blatant Umama gave a highly politicized State of the Union Speech last night completely ignoring the only politics that matter - enraged White Heartland voters who never wanted a Persons-of-Color President in the first #$%& place and got some #$%& ACORN racist from this really scary Persons-of-Color Supremacist church whose #$%& First Lady was "ashamed" of America until the country started paying to fly her allegedly fat ass to Broadway musicals and Paris bistros.  Enraged White Heartland voters, at least those around MacDougal Post World Headquarters, get more and more enraged every time a new Person-of-Color face appears on some #$%& TV "news" or "news" babble show while Non-Persons-of-Color journalism majors can't find a #$%& job, and even young enraged-challenged Non-Persons-of-Color Liberals can't forget that the Fibber-in-Chief's last promise of hope and change was utterly cynical drivel.  There's no chance an enraged GOP Congress will ever work with this #$%& White House and no way an enraged White Heartland will fall for his campaign calamari this #$%& go-around and vote the enraged GOP Congress out.


            Your MacDougal Post is pleased to announce that we endorse O.J. Simpson to lead the Democratic ticket in 2012.  Everybody believes he actually killed two White people, so that should garner every vote within the important Persons-of-Color, Latino, Muslim, and Nationalized Illegal Alien block, and a convicted felon and, in civil court at least, proven liar has great street cred for the job among these voters.  How to spring an armed sports memorabilia thief from the clink might prove problematic, but with our subscribers' support, who knows what The Post can accomplish, and we doubt he'd be hated as much as this Light-Brown President by, to cite just one example, former Bills fans.  Besides, an enraged GOP Congress is likely to work with an armed sports memorabilia thief on something like gun control maybe.

South Carolina

            In a primary contest pitting this somehow devout single wife polygamist against a documented womanizing monogamist, conservative voters in South Carolina picked the shameless ethics violator over the vulture capitalist because multibillionaires in this country enjoy lower tax rates than other conservatives do.  It may be time for the rest of us to screw to Canada, particularly in locations where firearm laws deny actual Christians the right to defend themselves with automatic weapons.

Why?

            As Goldberg, Styx slashes those insanely over-the-top annual bonuses, following some recently reported serious staff cuts, sentient market observers have to be wondering why.

            Well, here's one possibility.  Starting with the premise that mob trading profits are scammed out of client accounts, as we're told that the business is all about informing us of money-making opportunities while behind closed doors the racketeers are using that know-how solely for themselves, and the only know-how the cash sucking moneypluckers really have is knowledge of what we're doing because these low-life con artists are taking our damn orders from us, it's easy to see how entire trading operations could be geared to telling their valued customers one thing while the Families do another.

            Were Goldberg, Styx run like that, the firm would have to take it on the lam if the Feds were afoot.

            And the Feds are definitely afoot these days.  Agency Hotshots as well as Congressional snoops and state legal beagles are all over the rackets big time, and have been for a while now.  With mob books in hand as they hound crew underlings like inside traders and rogue Frenchmen, law enforcement is so close to the heart of organized financial crime, the Dons are teetering on some actual law enforcement for the first time ever.

            All that's missing now is an Eliot Ness with the guts to end Wall Street racketeering once and for all, and send these no-good, thieving rats up the river forever.  Small wonder why some of the dumbest guys in the room aren't in the room anymore and the rest are getting stiffed in the lavishly overpaid paycheck department.

All Right, All Right

Stop pelting us with emails, loyal readers.  We’ve seen the reports that Mitt Romney was a vulture capitalist, and The Post endorses him and especially his Mormon background for the Republican ticket anyway.

            Get a grip, readership.  A nation has to have priorities.  For the United States of America in 2012, these are, in order of pressing need:

1)   An ingenious system of female oppression, in which opposition towards men is tantamount to arguing with God,

2)   (A priority to be named later), and

3)   Codifying transgressions against public savings as capital crimes, punishable by public stoning.

            We’d tell you what the priority to be named later is, but some of our subscribers are having so much trouble with the first one, the editorial staff has decided to keep the second to ourselves at this time.

War Again?

            So many media pundits are calling for war to break out against Iran later this year, Post subscribers may be excused for wondering whether this White house is being run by the talking airheads.  Relax, it's not.  Foreign Policy has been determined by modern gunrunners like Dick Cheney since at least the Nixon Administration, and this is just more of the same old, same old.  The people who gave you Viet Nam, Iraq, Iraq, Afghanistan, plus we forget what all in between, are going to stage another one sometime, so why not now?

            Hang on to all those defense stocks for starters, and check your playbook to see what happens next.  Market participants aren’t exactly caught by surprise over these things anymore, and with the crippling of the American auto and housing industries and destruction of our consumer product industrial base, defense is pretty much all we’ve got left.  Blow up Iran, if the modern gunrunner must, and let’s just go ahead and build a new economic base from there.

            Investing has never been confused with Ethics 101.  

Mitt Is It

Marriage Counselor Rancid Pizzdorf advises male clients to chill once divorce proceedings begin.  “Face it, you’re going to get #%&$ed,” the counselor counsels.   “Totally #%&$ed”, the counselor further counsels.  “Everybody else does.”

According to Pizzdorf, waiting around to die is a guy’s best option.  “Up yonder, men can pick a time and place in the hereafter where women are still their property, establish citizenship there,  then come back to the contemporary afterlife and smack the #!%&$ around all you want.”  Under the sovereign law of your new time and place, that will be your right as property owner.

Rancid figures on much of his male clientele heading straight for Genesis World, and plans to open a branch office there, serving what he conservatively estimates will be all of them and every guy they ever met.

Now that Mitt Romney has a couple of playoff wins under his belt, we decided to ask our mentor what impact Pizzdorf thought a Mormon White House would have on the lifestyle advice he dishes out, powerful stuff that formed our own “essence of who you are”, as detailed in Chapter 1356 of The Pizzdorf Method, Coping with the Loss of Everything the $#%& Can Get Her &%#$ing Hands on and More.  Much, Much More.  Waiting around to die has gotten us through the past 40 years pretty darned well, and, understandably, we’re a tad squeamish at the prospect of any changes with that.

Emailing a reply from Mitt for President Headquarters in Jerusalem,  Rancid suggested we google “Mormon women as property” ourselves and check out what you get:

“Mormonism has created an ingenious system of oppression, in which opposition towards men is tantamount to arguing with God.”

The MacDougal Post is delighted to throw our full editorial support aboard the almighty Romney bandwagon.  Unless, it goes without saying, a certain New York City landlord returns to the fray, we wholeheartedly endorse the former Massachusetts Governor as our enthusiastic choice to top the Republican ticket in 2012.