Recently we watched a purportedly romantic TV movie about Kate Middleton and Prince William from first meeting through nuptial extravaganza. Thing was advertised as romantic anyway.
It’s not. Even more recently we had a second viewing. William & Kate is a horror flick. The worst kind of horror flick. We’re never going to suffer though it again.
Seen through the eyes of the TV filmmaker's antihero, the guy young Kate dumped as soon as her prince showed up, this TV movie is so horrid he’s only in it for maybe half a minute. Then they go on to crush the poor slob with the weight of the consequences of this royal hookup for 119 1/2 minutes more, minus commercial breaks, though, pointedly, his existence is never ever mentioned again.
This William character has been passing himself off as William Wales, but everybody knows who he is anyway. He’s Prince William, future King of England, catch of the century, and girls have come to this small college in Scotland from as far away as America just to try and catch him. From what we remember about girls in America, we’re surprised they all don’t come from there.
Anyway, after this callous breakup with our antihero, it’s Kate, surprise, surprise, who catches young Mr. Wales, and suddenly our antihero’s life is never going to be the same again. The TV cinematographic consequences are so horrendous we don’t even remember the woeful sot’s name.
From that moment on, ex-girlfriend’s face is never out of the newspapers. Never off the TV screen. Bitch steps out of the castle, and paparazzi dwell on what she’s wearing, doing, and riding in, where’s she’s going, who she’s with, how she’s getting there, how she’s getting back, and everything else they can come up with along the way. Herds of paparrazzi. And if Bitch doesn’t step out of the castle, they make stuff up about her and stick it in the national media anyway.
How can our antihero possibly live with that. For the rest of his life. Anybody who’s ever had his/her own breakup can relate to this. From the instant it’s over, the ex is in your face. They’ve got Katie Waitie billboards up, for goodness sakes, Katie Waitie posters on the sides of buses. (Prince makes future Princess wait home while Prince throws down with his guys, sniffle, sniffle). And she’ll remain in your face for the rest of your life. And after that too probably. If this film teaches men anything, it's what forever must actually mean.
You really have to feel for the beleaguered commoner. That he's now been totally written out of the TV cinematic effort since the very beginning just adds to the depths of his never-mentioned personal tragedy.
To our subscribers, William & Kate must sound a lot like living through a market downturn. Thing is, it’s not. Give the extant dip six months max, a reliable yardstick, maybe the occasional nine. This guy’s hell is going to rain down on him forever. So every time you start feeling sorry for yourself, think of fabulously lucky Kate Middleton’s wretched boyfriend’s long-suffering misfortune and cheer your sorry a$$ up. Even catastrophies like the Great Depression eventually recover. His misery will never end.
