Urgent News Bulletin for Subscribers in Westchester and Putnam Counties

         The Journal News, 1133 Westchester Avenue, White Plains, NY, has just published the names and addresses of all handgun permit holders in New York's Westchester and Rockland Counties, meaning armed robbers throughout the world are now hard at work identifying families incapable of defending themselves against armed robbery there.  Running the Journal News names against those in local phone records will spit out each and every unprotected family, as Gannett newspapers are famous for thoroughness and accuracy in reporting.

         If you live in one of these two counties and no one at your address has a handgun carry permit, YOU ARE AT IMMINENT RISK OF AN ARMED HOME ROBBERY, maybe two or three armed home robberies if all the armed robbers in the world show up, as one would expect them to.  Give it maybe two days because the award-winning newspaper's list is thorough as well as accurate, and then start fearing for both your lives and your valuables.

         Our staff criminologist offers three suggestions to MacDougal Post subscribers now being targeted in the militarized zone:  either 1) drop everything and hustle your loved ones down to a gunshop as soon as you finish this blog, picking up an assault rifle for each member of the household over the age of, say 9*, particularly if you're a dumb fool Liberal who's broadcast his anti-gun stance throughout the community (Don't think your neighbor isn't going to point that out to the armed robbers when the sot's negotiating over his daughter's virginity or whatever); or 2) get the hell out of Dodge because Dodge City is what Westchester and Rockland Counties have suddenly become, or will in a couple of days, and, most of all, 3) if anyone in the household spots an ethnic of any kind nobody's ever seen before, and he's driving through the neighborhood, immediately notify the police and tell them there's an ethnic (give appropriate racial description here) nobody's ever seen before driving through the neighborhood, especially, and this is really important to remember, if he's staring at the street number on your house while holding up a list.

        Now get your pathetic butt down to the gunshop and start doing the right thing for once in your life, reflecting on where your candy a$$ politics has brought you.

         Should the Liberal media choose to furnish armed robbers with the kind of information needed to determine the names and addresses of everyone in the country unable to defend him/herself against armed robbery, it would mark an escalation in their War Against the 2nd Amendment.  MacDougal suggests that the rest of us look into that militia deal the amendment talks about and start pricing your basic M1A2 Abrams equipped with the Tank Urban Survival Kit (TUSK) for improved fighting ability in any metropolitan area, the principal main battle tank of the US Army and Marine Corps.  If you have a good job in the financial industry, you may want to think about funding a division of them for the entire gated community.


* Use your discretion here - at ages younger than 9, kids into video games have already developed weapon proficiency better than anything you can come up with in the next 2 days, no matter how many hours you put in at the local firing range if you even have one that lets you bring assault rifles in with you.