“Hi, I’m Shill Buckhustler, folks, and welcome to Pump and Dump, the show that tells it like it is. How can I mess up your life tonight?”
“Harriet in Harrisburg, Shill.”
“Forget you, Harrisburg Harriet.”
“Talk to me about hedge fund managers, Shill. Where do they get off stealing all our money with those short-selling rip-offs?”
“They’re better than you.”
“What do you mean, ‘better’ than me?"
“They went to Harvard Business School.”
“So what?”
“So that makes them Harvard MBA’s. Harvard MBA’s are smart enough to get together and gangbang stock prices. Your stocks’ prices, of course, not theirs.”
"Why can’t we get together and gangbang their stock prices too?”
“It’s illegal, Harriet. You know that.”
“Then how can they do it?”
“Because they‘re smarter than you. They went to Harvard Business School.”
“That makes no sense at all.”
“They pay off Washington. You couldn't even come up with that one. Look, how do you think people get into Harvard Business School anyway?”
“I don’t know. Because their parents have money?”
“Harriet, where do you suppose their parents got their money?”
“They stole it from our parents?”
“I don’t think you have an aptitude for stocks, Harriet. No, I don’t think so at all. Next caller please”.
“Hey, Shill. Lawrence from Lawrenceville.”
“Sock it to me, Lawrence.”
“Face it, yuppie MBA’s like the way the ruling class got to be zillionaires by skimming our stock into their equity compensation packages. And by sneaking away with more zillions in some merger, selling out the company they’re supposed to be running for us. Or by shorting what we’ve got because they don’t have to tell us what‘s going on. And by bribing public officials with ‘campaign’ contributions to set up all this calamari.”
“It’s the entitlement thing, Lawrenceville Lawrence. They’re entitled. Everybody knows that.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re better than you. How many times do I have to say this, people? They went to Harvard Business School. They‘re entitled. Entitled, entitled, entitled entitled, entitled, entitled.
“Entitled.”
“Entitled to what? Grabbing everything we’ve got?”
“Another shlemiel who doesn’t know anything about rigged free markets. Look, people, lets go on to something else. Come up with a topic this audience can understand. Who’s the next caller please?”
“Joan from Jonesboro, Mr. Buckhustler. Why can’t hedge fund managers and the rest of them go on salary like we are? Get paid cash money.”
“And save out of their paychecks to buy stocks so crooks can skim those stocks into equity compensation packages? Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Let me guess, Shill. They’re too smart for that?”
“Right. You’re the ones who sock money away, and they’re the ones who slip your dough into their wealth management accounts. That’s why they went to Harvard Business School.”
“Because they’re better than us.”
“They’re entitled. Look, Joan, the ruling class only has 75% of the country’s wealth these days. Is that enough for a ruling class? Of course not. They deserve more. A lot more. They deserve what you've got too. This is a corporate aristocracy we‘re talking about.”
“So I deserve to be what? Broke?”
“Well, look at yourself. You can’t even pay for decent financial advice. You’re here on TV talking to me, for Goodness sakes. Geeze, Joan. I mean, how pathetic is that?”
“They’re taking all my money away, aren‘t they? Everything I save up.”
“Why not? They’re better than you.”
“Well, why can’t I be a hedge fund manager too?”
“Get real. Harvard MBA’s aren’t going to tell you what stocks they’re gangbanging. Or when. You‘ll just short something that‘s going up.”
“Why won’t they tell me?”
“You’re not entitled. Your parents don’t have money. You didn‘t go to Harvard Business School. And they‘re better than you. Smarter too. Way smarter, Joan.”
“What has that got to do with anything?”
“Hey, it’s America. How do you think this place works? Keep bringing in those paychecks though. And saving up. We can really use your pile, Joan. How else are we supposed to get rich? Another caller please.”
“Hey, Shill. Bernie from Butner. Enjoy the show. Lemme tell your audience how I help folks make 1% a month. That’s right, folks, 1% a month. Guaranteed. Month in, month out, 1% a month guaranteed. You got a few minutes, Shill? It’s guaranteed.”
“Hmmmmmmmm. Where‘ve I heard this before. Sounds familiar. Too familiar, I think.”
“Every month, Shill.”
“You have a last name, Butner Bernie?”
(Click).
