2006 brought with it a watershed moment in celebrity
dentistry. It was maybe 4:30
AM, Chicago time, when paparazzi close-ups first revealed to the world what Hollywood
starlet Lindsay Lopez isn’t wearing when she drives up someplace and gets out
of her stretch limo. By 11:15
Chicagoland’s Drive-up Prophylaxis Clinic for the Stars had opened its lanes for
business, and folks were already starting to get the wrong idea about Oakley
Brookmall, D.D.S., and that cutting-edge curbside dental practice of his.
Records
later subpoenaed by the Illinois State Board of Family Values in Oral Hygiene
show that Lindsay Lopez wasn’t even a patient there, at the time anyway.
Well
okay, Paris Milton was, and Parmella Andreson, and a few dozen other hotties
too, and you should see the photos D.D.S. Brookmall has hanging on his drive-through
wall these days. Some you can even recognize
from the sex tapes if your search engine is any good at all with indiscreet topics of prurient interest.
The celebrity
dentist happened to be waiting for Paris Milton to pull in the other day when
we got to his Prophylaxis Clinic for our appointment. The hottie’s stretch was nowhere in sight, so
Dr. Brookmall got up off his knees and set down his camera to welcome us.
“Hi,
MacDougal.”
“Hi,
Doc.”
“You started
flossing yet?”
“Nope.”
“Now
what kind of example are you setting for Post subscribers, MacDougal? Talking like that.”
Just
about then, this really, really long black stretch arrived, skidding to a
screeching halt right in front of us.
Next thing you knew, the rear door got opened, and flashbulbs began popping. Readers who might wonder why a Tinseltown
ingenue would fly all the way out to the Windy City just for a cleaning have
never experienced your top-of-the-line celebrity curbside dental practitioner
in action. It’s everything these women
are looking for in a prophylaxis and more.
Much, much more. When the hottie was
done with Oakley’s examination, Miss Milton wriggled out of the back seat,
swung her hips hither and yon, and sashayed off, mostly yon, but a little
hither too from time to time, for a hygienist chair. Dr. Brookmall leaned back against the wall
and lit up a cigarette.
Life
is good for an upscale prophylactic clinician like Oakley Brookmall. Real good some days. We figured he was ready to discuss the recent
bad news with his portfolio.
“Doc,
you read about the Credit Swish subprime mortgage lawsuit?”
“&$!#
yes. $#%&ing Government is after my $#%&ing
savings again, MacDougal.” Dr. Brookmall is
a Credit Swish stockholder.
“The New
York Attorney General alleges that bank execs lied when they told investors
somebody was evaluating and monitoring all those bundled subprime mortgages
that helped take down the global economy in the Financial Apocalypse.”
“$#%&ing
$#%&ers.”
“Credit
Swish deals produced $11.2 billion in losses.”
“$#%&.” For the toast of Chicagoland’s oral hygiene community and one of their leading spokespersons, Oakley Brookmall sure has a mouth on him. “$#%&.
$#%&. $#%&. $#%&.
$#%&”
“Government’s
trying to recoup that amount from the bank’s shareholder accounts, plus a hefty
fine.”
“$#%&ing
shareholders didn’t do “&$!# to nobody.”
“Last
week Credit Swish shareholder accounts had to cough up $120 million because
bank perps took settlements from loan originators, stuck the dough in the bank,
and didn’t give any to their victimized bondholders.”
“$#%&ers.”
“None
of the Credit Swish scoundrels have been charged with anything, or made to pay
a dime.”
“$#%&ing
“$#%&ers.”
“Not
one thin dime, Oakley.”
“$#%&ing
$#%&ing $#%&ing $#%&ers.”
“Just
you. And the other shareholders. Government is taking it all out of your hides.”
“$#%&. $#%&.
$#%&. $#%&.”
"First, Swish bankers trash shareholders’ equity with shenanigans, then the
Feds go after it through lawsuits. Ain’t that two kicks in the head?”
“$#%&. $#%&.
$#%&. $#%&. $#%&.
$#%&. $#%&. $#%&.”
“Just
today’s shareholders too. People who
held Credit Swish stock at the time this was going on don’t have to hand over
anything from their former ownership accounts. Bought-and-paid-for Government protects everybody even remotely in this thing and then turns around and
victimizes you and us, today’s shareholders."
“$#%&. $#%&.
$#%&. $#%&. $#%&.
$#%&. $#%&. $#%&.
$#%&. $#%&. $#%&.
$#%&. $#%&. $#%&.
$#%&. $#%&. $#%&.
$#%&. $#%&. $#%&.”
“Well,
you anyway. We don’t hold financials
anymore ourselves, to be honest with you. Oakley.”
“$#%&
you, MacDougal. I’m glad you don’t
floss.”
“No
more financial stocks in our portfolio, Doc. Not In this
lifetime anyway.”
“I
hope you never $#%&ing floss again.”
