Pizzdorf’s Observation
Christianity,
Pizzdorf observes, offers Heaven to those who seek forgiveness. Anyone who seeks forgiveness. Absolutely anyone. Serial killers seeking forgiveness get in. Serial killers, muggers,
pedophiles, short-sellers.
Anyfreakingbody. All the creeps
have to do is ask.
The
specific Pizzdorf’s Observation itself holds that serial killers, muggers,
pedophiles, and short-sellers have this great big gigantic incentive to ask God or Jesus or somebody for forgiveness, and
do. AND NOBODY ANY GOOD DOES. Serial killers, muggers, pedophiles, and
short-sellers ask for forgiveness frequently.
Like in all the damn time. Especially
the ones imprisoned for their serial killings, muggings, pedophilia stuff, and
short-sellings. Those particular serial
killers, muggers, pedophiles, and short-sellers have nothing else to do with
their evenings but get down on their knees and beg God or Jesus or somebody for
forgiveness. Or days, for that matter, the
Pizzdorf’s Observation further observes. Creeps get down on their knees and beg for days on end.
They
can’t serial kill, mug, pedophile around, and short-sell anymore. They’re in stir over all that now, and lockup
doesn’t just slow them down, Pizzdorf suggests.
The clink stops that kind of thing from going on. Usually.
That’s
why they’re all in there, for goodness sakes.
On
the other hand, as the former Doctor, Laureate, of Higher Afterthought further suggests,
your Aunt Martha and them, they don’t ask.
Not for forgiveness, they don’t.
Your Aunt Martha never did anything to ask forgiveness for. Not in her entire lifetime, she didn’t. Ever.
What Aunt Martha and them ask God for is blessings for the grandchildren,
and before that, before they ever had any grandchildren, Aunt Martha and them
asked for blessings for everybody else but themselves. When it comes to themselves, Aunt Martha and
them, they don’t ask God for squat.
Okay,
maybe that one time when a young Aunt Martha needed a little help with the
double pneumonia, but only because she never missed a day of school in the 67
years the woman attended and later taught kindergarten there, and Aunt Martha couldn’t
tell anybody about the double pneumonia because the fool principal would make
her stay home. Aunt Martha did ask for
that one, but it wasn’t forgiveness.
Just a little something for herself when the woman really needed it bad.
Well,
what she really needed was a couple shots of Tennessee sour mash bourbon,
Pizzdorf surmises, but Aunt Martha never even had one of those in her entire
life either.
Upshot
of Pizzdorf’s Observation is, your Aunt Martha and them don’t get into Heaven
because they don’t ask, and Heaven gets filled up with serial killers, muggers,
pedophiles, short-sellers, and you. Oh
yeah, you. Nobody needs forgiveness more
than you do, Reader. More often
anyway. What’s a typical serial killer
looking at? Four forgivenesses? Six?
And you? You’re in hourly contact
with the Forgive Desk, for goodness sakes, or should be, and have been that way
for years. Every stupid little wiseass thing
you do. Theistically speaking, you’re a complete head case, Reader, and head cases are a shoe in up there.
Pizzdorf”s Query
Anyway,
from Pizzdorf’s Observation, the great man goes on to raise what Pizzdorf became
so famous for: Pizzdorf’s Query. Phrased in just two curt words, Pizzdorf’s Query
is eloquent in its simplicity. “Why
bother?’ the Pizzdorf Query queries
about praying for absolution and like that.
What
kind of afterlife can it possibly be up yonder in what has to be this heavenly suckers’
trap loaded with all those serial killers, muggers, pedophiles, and
short-sellers? Serial killers, muggers,
pedophiles, and short-sellers just skulking around. Up to their kind of no good because they're out of stir now. Wherever Aunt Martha is these days, whatever that
place holds for all the people who never received their forgiveness deal, like
her, you’ve got to be better off hanging out with Aunt Martha and her posse than the likes of
them absolution beggars that Heaven's got, probably all over the place after two millennia of Christian meddling by holier than thou supposed do-gooders.
Face
it, eternity is going to be a really, really long period of time.
