Pizzdorf

           Subscriber response to the genius of Rancid Pizzdorf has been overwhelming.  Your interest in the esteemed marriage counselor is certainly warranted, and not just because the Vienna Institute for Higher Afterthought took Rancid’s doctorate away, and his laureate, when someone there finally read the Pizzdorf thesis once he got published.  A word or two about the great man, his watershed Pizzdorf ‘s Observation and that groundbreaking Pizzdorf ‘s Query is long overdue in these pages.

Pizzdorf’s Observation

            Christianity, Pizzdorf observes, offers Heaven to those who seek forgiveness.  Anyone who seeks forgiveness.  Absolutely anyone.  Serial killers seeking forgiveness get in.  Serial killers, muggers, pedophiles, short-sellers.  Anyfreakingbody.  All the creeps have to do is ask.

            The specific Pizzdorf’s Observation itself holds that serial killers, muggers, pedophiles, and short-sellers have this great big gigantic incentive to ask God or Jesus or somebody for forgiveness, and do.  AND NOBODY ANY GOOD DOES.  Serial killers, muggers, pedophiles, and short-sellers ask for forgiveness frequently.  Like in all the damn time.  Especially the ones imprisoned for their serial killings, muggings, pedophilia stuff, and short-sellings.  Those particular serial killers, muggers, pedophiles, and short-sellers have nothing else to do with their evenings but get down on their knees and beg God or Jesus or somebody for forgiveness.  Or days, for that matter, the Pizzdorf’s Observation further observes.  Creeps get down on their knees and beg for days on end.

            They can’t serial kill, mug, pedophile around, and short-sell anymore.  They’re in stir over all that now, and lockup doesn’t just slow them down, Pizzdorf suggests.  The clink stops that kind of thing from going on.  Usually.

            That’s why they’re all in there, for goodness sakes.

            On the other hand, as the former Doctor, Laureate, of Higher Afterthought further suggests, your Aunt Martha and them, they don’t ask.  Not for forgiveness, they don’t.  Your Aunt Martha never did anything to ask forgiveness for.  Not in her entire lifetime, she didn’t.  Ever.  What Aunt Martha and them ask God for is blessings for the grandchildren, and before that, before they ever had any grandchildren, Aunt Martha and them asked for blessings for everybody else but themselves.  When it comes to themselves, Aunt Martha and them, they don’t ask God for squat.

            Okay, maybe that one time when a young Aunt Martha needed a little help with the double pneumonia, but only because she never missed a day of school in the 67 years the woman attended and later taught kindergarten there, and Aunt Martha couldn’t tell anybody about the double pneumonia because the fool principal would make her stay home.  Aunt Martha did ask for that one, but it wasn’t forgiveness.  Just a little something for herself when the woman really needed it bad.

            Well, what she really needed was a couple shots of Tennessee sour mash bourbon, Pizzdorf surmises, but Aunt Martha never even had one of those in her entire life either.

            Upshot of Pizzdorf’s Observation is, your Aunt Martha and them don’t get into Heaven because they don’t ask, and Heaven gets filled up with serial killers, muggers, pedophiles, short-sellers, and you.  Oh yeah, you.  Nobody needs forgiveness more than you do, Reader.  More often anyway.  What’s a typical serial killer looking at?  Four forgivenesses?  Six?  And you?  You’re in hourly contact with the Forgive Desk, for goodness sakes, or should be, and have been that way for years.  Every stupid little wiseass thing you do.  Theistically speaking, you’re a complete head case, Reader, and head cases are a shoe in up there.

Pizzdorf”s Query

            Anyway, from Pizzdorf’s Observation, the great man goes on to raise what Pizzdorf became so famous for:  Pizzdorf’s Query.  Phrased in just two curt words, Pizzdorf’s Query is eloquent in its simplicity.  “Why bother?’ the Pizzdorf  Query queries about praying for absolution and like that.

            What kind of afterlife can it possibly be up yonder in what has to be this heavenly suckers’ trap loaded with all those serial killers, muggers, pedophiles, and short-sellers?  Serial killers, muggers, pedophiles, and short-sellers just skulking around.  Up to their kind of no good because they're out of stir now.  Wherever Aunt Martha is these days, whatever that place holds for all the people who never received their forgiveness deal, like her, you’ve got to be better off hanging out with Aunt Martha and her posse than the likes of them absolution beggars that Heaven's got, probably all over the place after two millennia of Christian meddling by holier than thou supposed do-gooders.

            Face it, eternity is going to be a really, really long period of time.

Exodus 2

            Following that devastating 9 Lewinskies - 0 WMDs rout, we got 4 years of no Hope and Change, and as 15% Romney and the 2 Cadillacs Missus are turning onto Pennsylvania Avenue and heading toward the office overseeing a pathetically corrupt and disfunctional Securities & Excuses Commission, it’s starting to look more and more like the fleeced and pickpocketed of this plundered nation will never get to find out what hedge fund managers really do for a living.

            That, or 1,460 more days of changeless hopelessness looms starkly on the intermediate term horizon.

            Your MacDougal Post reiterates our strongest recommendation that small investors flee North – and as soon as possible.  We have no idea where the Canadian Dollar is going, but prospects there can’t possibly be as dire as they appear with ours.  Your exodus decision rests on a single set of numbers, and we’re passing the latest along for our subscribers’ consideration.

            Coldwater, ON

               temperature -5 with a few flurries  

            White Horse, YT

               temperature -6 with some flurries

            Salmon Arm, BC

               temperature -7 with a lot of flurries

            Cow Head, NL

               temperature -12 with morning flurries

            Moose Jaw, SK

               temperature -13 with afternoon flurries

            Yellowknife, NT

               temperature -17 with evening flurries

            Destruction Bay, YT

               temperature -18 with light flurries

            Savage Harbor, PE

               temperature -19 with moderate flurries

            Gander, NL

               temperature -21 with heavy flurries

            Old Squaw Islands, NU

               temperature -54 (iced-in through June)

Thieves in the White House?

            In the years immediately prior to the Financial Apocalypse, hedge fund operatives lobbied high accounting muckety-mucks into ordering our nation’s army of CPA’s to misrepresent the financial position of corporations holding paper assets.  Suddenly – and probably for the only time since double entry bookkeeping was invented - securities traded in public markets had to be valued at whatever prices Wall Street Crime Family traders bashed them down to.  The reasons why this change constituted criminal fraud are abundantly clear to everyone except our hotshots at the Securities and Excuses Commission, particularly as stock prices in the financial sector were crushed in 2008-09 by the very racketeers who schemed to force the accounting change on us, and no one has ever been charged with anything.  The media, paid with advertising revenues and whatever to keep silent on such matters, continues to keep silent on such matters.

            Now, rumors are circulating that two hedge fund goons may be running for President soon.  If you’re a Republican who suffered catastrophic losses in financials during the Apocalypse - or who receives benefits from pension funds that did - and are thinking about voting along party lines if your tormentors actually get the nomination, then YOU are the problem in this country, not them.

            Remember, The Post endorses Jesus Christ to head the GOP ticket this go-around, and not just because they keep talking about Him so much.  With the Mayan Calendar ending this December, we figure He’s actually at least scheduled to show up for that End of Days gig of His.

            (For any partisan muttonheads reading this, note that our editors endorse O.J. Simpson as the Donkey nominee.  Most Blacks, Latinos, and Nationalized Illegal Aliens figure O.J. really did kill two White people, which should give the former NFL star all the votes there, and you’d think an armed sports memorabilia thief would be expected to work closely with Conservatives in removing handgun controls everywhere, insuring bipartisan governance on something for a change.  Besides, who would you rather have in office?  Some creepy lawyer type operating behind your back, or a brazen thug busting into the room with a gang of bullies who're into crime because they like showing their muscles off out in public.)

Why We Invest

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OObcjxRQOGA&feature=related

The Frontrunner

           If Christian eschatology teaches us anything, it’s that these Republican primaries may have nothing to do with The Rapture, though a few more Sarah Palin appearances could change everything there.  Anyway, with the Mayan calendar ending in December, our nation could be electing the Antichrist this November.  That being the case, you’d think the hedge fund manager has the best shot.

           Apocalyptically speaking, Mitt's way out in front.  Clearly, anyone collecting carried interest while sitting in the White House, and paying that 15% tax rate on it, stands the best chance of fulfilling Biblical prophecy during the upcoming End of Days.