“Hi, I’m Shill Buckhustler, and welcome to Pump & Dump. How can I mess up your life tonight?
“Look, we’ve got to be honest with you folks this time. Even our sponsor noticed that all the stocks I pushed on the show last week got slammed, and everything I scared you into unloading shot up. That’s because my hedge fund posse was selling our buys a lot harder than they said they would, and some wise guy over at my old Crime Family bought way more of what we were making you toss out than I'd counted on.”
“Hey, stuff happens. Deal with it.”
“Because this week we’re going to do it all over again. You know how this works. Viewers call in with your scatterbrained money-losing ideas, and your televanalyst, me, Shill Buckhustler, pushes you into the other side of anything that real movers and shakers want to get done.
“Remember, whatever increases trading volume boosts mob profits, and you’re a great big national audience. Even I can’t believe the SEC lets me get away with this.
“So, forget last week, morons. As anyone who watches knows, that isn’t what usually happens around here. The lines are open. How can I mess up your life tonight?”
“Hi, Shill. This is Darren in Philadelphia.”
“Forget you, Philadelphia Darren. What lame-brained nonsense are we going to laugh at now? Bring it on.”
“What usually happens around here, Shill?”
“Hey, a good question for a change. Darren, when I tell you to buy, mob bosses who already own the shares jack quotes up in the aftermarket, sell into the sudden temporary demand, and keep on keeping on until the last one of you suckers is in, even if it takes days. Once you’re all aboard, balloon pops, quote collapses, and the racketeers reload again at prices way, way lower than where you got hoodwinked in.
“It’s called shorting against the box. “Shorting“ because we fleece the public real good and thugs eventually buy their shares back, and “against the box“ because this time racketeers actually own the shares they’re stiffing you with.
“Getting my home viewers out of a stock goes kind of the same way too, only backwards.
“Okay, who’s next? Hit me, somebody out there. How can I mess up your life tonight?”
“Amber, Mr. Buckhustler. I’m living in my Toyota Corolla.”
“What’ve you got for me, Toyota Amber?”
“Has anybody ever sued you over this falderal?
“Another great question. No, the courts hold that you’d have to be completely out of your mind to think that anything we say here could ever possibly work out, and they put crazy people in institutions in America, Toyota Amber. They don‘t hand them somebody’s hard-earned televanalyst money. Hey, is this a great country, or what? Next caller please.”
“This is Bobby living in his Hummer.”
“Lay one on me, Hummer Bobby.”
“BAC at 15, Shill. Bank of America.”
“Look, folks, I recommended BAC at 55, I recommended BAC at 50, I recommended BAC at 45, and I recommended BAC at 40. And when it really started plopping down the crapper, I recommended BAC at 35, 30, 25, 20, 15, 10, and 5 too. That’s because my peeps were shorting the calamari out of the whole mark-to-market catastrophe all the way down to the bottom, and I couldn‘t betray the wise guys by letting you know about it.”
“And then you recommended we sell at 3.”
“Hey, Hummer Bobby, you’re a real fan of the show. We’re going to send Hummer Bobby a How Can I Mess up Your Life Tonight t-shirt. Send him a How Can I Mess up Your Life Tonight t-shirt, somebody.
“So what do I do with BAC at 15, Shill?”
“Didn’t you sell at 3 like I told you.”
“No, I still got it.”
“Give me the next caller. Jeeze, people, if you’re not going to work with me on these picks, go watch Seinfeld re-runs.”
“This is Debby sleeping in her El Dorado, Shill.”
“Forget you, El Dorado Debby. Shill Buckhustler in your face. Hit me with something I want to talk about.”
“BAC at 14, Shill.”
“Oh, come on.”
“BAC at 14 ½, Shill.”
“Who’s that?”
“Corvair Phil.”
“Civic Doris, Shill. BAC at 14 ¼.”
“Explorer Dudley. BAC at 14 ¾, Shill.”
“Blazer Sam, Shill. BAC at 13 ¾.”
“What’s going on here? Didn‘t anybody listen to me at 3? Come on, people, you can do this. They don‘t call it an idiot box for nothing.”
