The new zero is 3. That’s where Bank of America stock bottomed out in the Great Crash, and I have this recurring nightmare that I’ll wake up one morning and all the stocks will be selling at 3. Or did that happen already? Its hard to stay clear sometimes in the post-apocalyptic era.
Over at the Market Assault Cabal, a private wealth management firm spearheading Gangland efforts to eradicate public savings once and for all, they talk a lot about breaking through those last three digits. For some reason, crushing a stock’s price under 3 and then through 2 and finally 1 poses a quandary for plunderers.
“When it gets down to pillage time, we choke,” Whip Flayer, Vice President of Genocidal Operations, explained. “Looting’s a piece of cake, and skimming, and our underbosses can sack with the best of them, but Mucus brought me in to get organized crime across the finish line with the total plundering.” Mucus Poole-Knightly who runs the Cabal, was unavailable for our meeting, off on the Korean Peninsula again training with the U.S. Women‘s 13 and Under National Cycling Team. Mucus, the squad’s corporate sponsor, doubles as equipment manager for the bikers when they’re on the road a lot.
“I’m calling it the Nuclear Option Project, and all we can tell you right now is that our business model involves the small investor, a kick-ass Croatian arms dealer, and 713 canisters of weapons-grade plutonium.”
“How does the option differ from mark-to-market accounting?” I had to ask.
Whip smiled warmly. “We really messed you up with that one.” Everybody knows about my Bank of America thing now, probably because I‘m blogging it all over the internet. Infiltrating the accounting community, gangsters chopped BAC off at the knees, dropping the price from 50 something to that infamous new zero, 3, by screwing with everybody‘s accounting practices.
“F#$& you,” I never actually verbalized, but the facial expressions were there. Racketeers call themselves private wealth managers to distinguish their money from yours, which is forecast to disappear any day now according to informed sources close to every dime, and the Dons are bribing Washington with campaign contributions to let them get away with it, and I‘m the only voter in the country who seems to be aware of this.
Believe me, I am going to take it out on them at the polls. At least the ones I can stop voting for. But what’s the use if I’m the only one?
The Market Assault Cabal includes dozens of the most violent, amoral, criminally insane, homicidal psychopaths the Harvard MBA program has ever produced, well, lately anyway, and still the mobsters couldn’t close the deal on my Bank of America shares. “Quotes are printing way up in the teens now,” I reminded him.
“Nuclear option,“ Whip spat out through clenched bicuspids after I’d insulted his manhood with that one. “Don’t worry, we’re never stopping at 3 again.“
Meaning zero could be back to zero once more. Great. I can’t wait for this canister to drop.
I just can’t wait.
