“I Simply Do Not Know Where the Money Is”

            Our mob connection ran the back office at Filch & Finagle.  He was responsible for safeguarding firm securities and those of Filch’s customers, but did not have an account there.  He kept his own investments in an envelope segregated from the rest of the certificates on a separate shelf inside their subbasement bank vault.

            For over half a century, our mob connection knew where his money was.  He also knew where everybody else’s money was, but his was kind of on top of theirs and a lot easier to see.

            Once, a Filch & Finagle CEO found out what our mob connection was doing, and the CEO asked him to stick the CEO's investments in another envelope and keep the CEO's money on top of everybody else's too, and our mob connection did, and there were two envelopes of their own money on top of everybody else's money inside the subbasement bank vault after that, though our mob connection said he still kept his on the very, very top.

            Overnight, that is.  Work days, our mob connection took everybody else's money out of the subbasement bank vault and wheeled it up to Filch’s cage.  The firm was on the 19^th floor of the  Falutin National Bank Building, and Falutin let him use one of their service elevators and set it up to travel directly between 19 and the Falutin subbasement vault and sent an armed guard along with him whenever he went into the Falutin subbasement vault or rode the Falutin service elevator with everybody else's money.

            The Filch & Finagle cage took up a whole wing of the 19^th floor.  The cage was enclosed on three sides by metal bars so nobody could break in that way.  The fourth side was the outer wall fronting Wall Street, and nobody ever tried climbing up 19 floors to break in that way either.

            Our mob connection had all the keys.  The one to the subbasement bank vault, the one to the cage, and the one to the locked bin that held everybody else's money when it was wheeled back and forth between the subbasement bank vault and the cage via the service elevator.

            Some former Goldberg Styx CEO and former U.S. Senator who was BM World's CEO when it lost everybody's money testified before Congress yesterday and said a lot of things that may have bewildered our subscribers, and almost all of them bewildered us too, but the one about not knowing where anybody’s money was really stood out because we happen to know how that’s done.  Well, used to be done anyway.

            If any of you happen to run into the former Goldberg, Styx/U.S. Senator/BM World CEO, please pass the above information along.  Maybe he’ll be able to do better next time, and especially when the question comes up during his trial.

            Our mob connection knew where everybody’s money was every moment of every day and every night for more than 50 years.  He ran the accounting department too, so he also knew where the numbers were recorded and how, and that they were always accurate to the penny.

            To the penny, Mister former Golberg, Styx/U. S. Senator/BM World CEO.  To the Falutin penny.

Nuwrinkle’s Conundrum

Until lately, economists had always listed the primary factors of production as Land, Labor, and Capital.  In recent decades, however, gamed-market capitalists in the United States have succeeded in getting these elements redefined, over the short run at least, as Land, Chinamen, and Capital, and this change has given rise to a puzzling new wrinkle known as Nuwrinkle’s Conundrum.  Put simply, Nuwrinkle’s Conundrum is this:

When you eliminate Labor from the primary factors of production, who do you send the paychecks to?

         There are two sides to any economy:

1)   The Frontside, where Frontside Economists tell us that paychecks turn workers into consumers, who buy stuff; and

2)   The Backside, where somebody makes that stuff; here, Backside Economists like Dibstik Nuwrinkle, former Chairman of the CEO Monetary Abuse Roundtable, have certain Americans firing other Americans to hire Chinamen, which might be all right if certain Americans weren’t sending American paychecks over to Chinamen too.

Americans have to have their paychecks.  Without paychecks, Americans can’t buy what Chinamen produce.

Our political hacks are letting this happen for one simple reason.  Chinamen are bribing them.  Washington movers and shakers have this spectacularly burgeoning debt load on their hands, and need U. S. Greenback Dollars to pay it off with, but we don’t have any.  China has them.  After certain Americans send our paychecks to Chinamen and other Americans buy China’s stuff with whatever’s left, China emails some of that cash back to us in the form of what Backside Economists would like you to believe are investments in U. S. Treasury bonds, notes, and bills.

            Now, Backside Economists are hired by the rich and careless to say whatever the rich and careless want to hear, and what the rich and careless definitely don’t want to hear these days is how our Washington movers and shakers, on the rich and careless payroll too, are taking bribes of Chinese U. S. Greenback Dollars from Chinamen, so Backside Economists fib about it.

Fact is, China isn’t “investing” in U. S. Treasury bonds, notes, and bills at all.  The Orientals are giving the Occidentals revolving grants.  Their Central Government now furnishes our Central Government with much of our costly industrial base, and is bribing our Central Governators to keep this whacky deal going by slipping our Central Governators oodles and oodles of free cash without asking for the kind of interest payments one normally requires when forced to throw money into a fiscal conflagration like we’ve got raging right now.

And our Central Governators need oodles and oodles.  More and more oodles and oodles every day.  More and more oodles and oodles for bizarre Central Government domestic initiatives like financing homes for people who can’t finance homes, more and more oodles and oodles for bizarre Central Government foreign initiatives like shooting at pretty much everybody in the militant religious fanatic sphere of influence except the militant religious fanatic leadership making those people nuts.   And even more and more oodles and oodles for way-over-the-top Central Governator executive compensation packages.

Where all this goes next is even further beyond reason.  To keep themselves in power, overstuffed Washington fat cats have to divert voter attention away from free Chinese U. S. Greenback Dollars and bizarre domestic and foreign initiatives, and come up with something else for the constituency to fret about.

            And that would be Economic Devastation.  Perpetual worldwide cataclysmic Economic Devastation.

Fortunately for overstuffed Washington fat cats, free Chinese U. S. Greenback  Dollars and bizarre domestic and foreign initiatives screw up the global economy so bad nobody can figure out who’s doing it.  Bankers in Iceland get blamed for everything, or the president of Greece, or the consorts of the President of Italy, or the ratings agencies, or some doctor dumb enough to go anywhere near the likes of Michael Jackson and them, and our elected political hacks keep on getting re-elected.

As everybody knows, Chinamen have our jobs.  Not just on the assembly line.  Everywhere.  Bosses and secretaries and shipping clerks and fork lift operators.  Even the guy over in Accounts Receivable.  The one with those polka dot bow ties.  Chinamen have his job too.  And that babe who pulled down her Hanky Pankies and sat on the copier machine, she doesn’t have a copier machine to sit on anymore.  Or a paycheck.  In fact, nobody gets paid at a lot of places these days.  Not here.  Not anymore.  The Chinese have our American jobs and our American paychecks.  And they’re paying off your Congressmen to keep them.  Paying them off with grants.

That’s what’s going on here.

Even worse, should certain Americans stop sending those American paychecks to Chinamen, China could start emailing demands for real market interest on their grants, unleashing a hyperinflation in U. S. Greenback Dollars that would curdle your financial bones.

They’re an inscrutable bunch, these Chinamen.  And us?  Well, I don’t know about me, but you?  Republican or Democrat, you’re a total freaking moron for electing the people who keep letting things like this happen to us.

Racketeering Take to Drop 30%

    Financial racketeers across the globe will see a decline in pay of 27% for all of 2011, some compensation consulting service guessed today.


     "There are only two kinds of money on Wall Street", Presbyterian Mafia spokeshoodlum Grabbe Allugots explained, "theirs and ours, and seriously, if they ain't got some, how can we possibly make any ours?"


    "Pockets are empty on Main Street," Allugots added in a speech kicking off the mob's 2011 Media Day Press Conference.  "Wall Street don't dip in unless something's actually there to pull out."


    While income statements are not made available to outsiders, industry sources tell us that extortion revenues, cash scared out of public suckers' hands with massive mob buying or selling attacks that are coordinated among all the Families, have been suffering the most.  In dire times, State Attorney Generals crawl out of the woodwork looking for the headlines they need to make Governor, and Dons "don't want nobody nosing around there", traditionally what has always been the most profitable criminal activity in investment banking, so they "cool it for a while" ... "until the heat is off".


    "Tap ain't doing no better neither," Allugots went on to point out.  Tap dancing, known as tap to Gangland wise guys, involves selling out your customers, either trading against therm, like buying up good stuff you're getting them to dump, or pricing their orders with The Street's traditional "some for me, some for you" funny-business model.  "And I don't even want to talk about short-selling."


   Nobody ever wants to talk about short-selling, which is "why we pay for the Securities and Excuses Commission", the spokeshoodlum revealed.  Bloodbath Mary Schlepiro, Chief Obfuscation Officer at the Agency, is in place to see that the no-talking ban gets enforced.  In place until Wall Street offers her a job back on Wall Street anyway.


    Exacerbating industry problems, political payoffs, far and away the biggest cost of doing business in the financial rackets, are about to go through the roof.  "2012 is an election year", keynote speaker Dudley "Slippery Fingers" Westminster-Buckingham lamented, and we've got to keep our Washington stooges under the rotunda."


    Industry lobbyists have been calling for across-the-board 25 year terms of office for all publicly-elected officials, attractive given who they've got in there now, but until that happens Wall Street has to flood TV airways with the kind of misrepresentations that make Rigged-Market Capitalism work, at least for the rigged-market capitalists.


    "Don't worry, we'll game all these stock prices up again," Slippery Fingers concluded - on a high note.  "We have to.  I've got Maseratis to buy."

Rakoff Rules

    Blocking yet another sweetheart deal between some gargantuan money lender and the Securities and Excuses Commission (SEC), U.S. District Court Judge Jed S. Rakoff pointed at the Agency and screamed, "LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!", kind of.


    As David S. Hilzenrath reported in the Washington Post, the Judge held that "some 'apologists' may favor 'suppressing or obscuring the truth, but the S.E.C., of all agencies, has a duty . . . to see that the truth emerges; and if it fails to do so, this Court must not, in the name of deference or convenience, grant judicial enforcement to the agency’s contrivances.'


    "The court 'concludes, regretfully, that the proposed Consent Judgement is neither fair, nor reasonable, nor adequate, nor in the public interest,' he wrote."


    The SEC had charged the too-big-to-trust money lender with misleading its customers.  Creeps had wagered against anyone buying their crummy complex subprime loan investments, raking in $160 million on the caper while marks got clipped for more than $700 million, according to Agency math.


    The SEC whitewash had let these thieving cretins off the hook without admitting or denying wrongdoing, while charging the colossus with negligence instead of intentional fraud.


    Like the rest of us, Judge Rakoff must've been thinking WTF?  We're delighted he came out and jurisprudently paraphrased it.

For Your Yuletide Listening Pleasure

    In response to a subscriber's suggestion, we are providing the following link to a performance of Money (That's What I Want) by The Flying Lizards:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ooF27ABwmg&feature=related

Season's Greetings from Wall Street

(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(Clatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatter)

The best things in life are free
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
But you can give them to the birds and bees
I (Clatter, Clatter, Clatter) want money
That's
What I want
That's (Clatter, Clatter, Clatter) what I want
That's
What I want
That's (Clatter, Clatter, Clatter) what I want
That's
What I want
That's (Clatter, Clatter, Clatter) what I want
That'swhatIwant
(Clatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatter)

Your love gives me such a thrill
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
But your love won't pay my bills
I want money
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
That's
What I want
That's (Clatter, Clatter, Clatter) what I want
That's
What I want
That's (Clatter, Clatter, Clatter) what I want
That's
What I want
That's (Clatter, Clatter, Clatter) what I want
That'swhatIwant
(Clatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatter)

(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(Clatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatter)

Money doesn't get everything, it's true
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)

What it doesn't get, I can't use
I want money
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
That's
What I want
That's (Clatter, Clatter, Clatter) what I want
That's
What I want
That's (Clatter, Clatter, Clatter) what I want
That's
What I want
That's (Clatter, Clatter, Clatter) what I want
That'swhatIwant
(Clatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatter)

That's
what I want
I want money
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
I want lots of money, money
That's
What I want
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
In fact, I want so much money
That's
What I want
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
Give me your money
That's
What I want
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
Just give me money
That's
What I want
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
That'swhatIwant
(Clatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatterclatter)

(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(PEEP, PEEP, PEEP)
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(PEEP, PEEP, PEEP, PEEP)
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(PEEP, PEEP, PEEP, PEEP)
(Clatter, Clatter, Clatter)
(PEEP, PEEP, PEEP)
(ClatterclatterPEEPclatterclatterPEEPclatterPEEPclatterclatter)


- MONEY (THAT'S WHAT I WANT), originally written by Berry Gordy and Janie Bradford, as performed by The Flying Lizards, or not, heard on the road to St. Paul along with other yuletide carols.

Lest It Go Unreported

    Chelsea Clinton’s husband is a hedge fund manager, all four of their parents, controversial politicians (one impeached, another a recently sprung jailbird).  No incentive to distort news here.  Congrats to the double-talking airheads at NBC.  With a single hiring, yours is now the most mistrusted name in television.